Late Night Musings

**Warning! This post may contain more honesty than you want to know**

My therapist told me one time that I had a strong tendency to make sure others were happy and content before I gave myself permission to be the same. In other words, I would settle for less for myself rather than have someone else be upset or uncontent in a situation. During the process of discovering and discussing all this, it was termed the "Messiah" syndrome by my doctor, or as my mother calls it, I am the "public defender for the world".

This tendency came back to mind today because of one of the most vivid dreams I have had in years. The details of the dream aren't important, but the underlying reasons for the dream became clearer to me over the past day. In the dream, I settled for things and situations I did not really want because I didn't want others to be "put out of their way".

As I reflected today on my last post which discussed "worthiness", I wonder why it is that for most of my life I didn't consider myself worthy enough to be content if there are those around me who have need. I will give and give to try and help others, even to the detriment of my own needs at times. One thing I do realize is that I deal with a lot of unreal unmet expectations of myself and at times that leads to the same unreal expectations I have of those around me. At least by recognizing this, hopefully, I am getting better about it. Well, to be honest, I'm not getting better. I still expect more out of other people than they can possibly live up to because I cannot even meet my own standards most of the time. And, then I am bothered because I am expected to be the "all things to all people" person which I have always attempted to be.

Thanks be to God because He has no expectations of me other than to love Him, live for Him and tell others about Him. It is so comforting when I come into His presence because I know that I can let go of (yet) another mask and be the one with a need for once. A need for comfort, a need for compassion, a need for advice, a need to speak with honesty, and a need for total acceptance as I really am. He has never let me down or asked more of me than I could give.

I do not have unreal unmet expectations of God and He does not have them of me. So, why do I have them of myself and of others around me? Don't know, but the adventure continues.....

Be God's,
Jimmy